You’re gone, well almost, and that’s a good thing right?
I should be relieved and free and happy, but I’m not. I should be excited for the future, excited to be me, excited to create my own version of life, but I’m not. Truthfully, I’m scared, uncertain, anxious and depressed. I’m not ‘guna’ lie, I’ve even wondered whether life’s worth living anymore.
The thing is, I knew who I was in you. I knew my purpose, my identity and my worth in you; albeit a lesser version of what it should be. I was comfortable… organised. I knew what to expect and when to expect it. When I was miserable, I knew it was you. When I was worried, I knew it was you. When I was scared, deflated, unmotivated, tired, insecure and self-conscious I knew it was because of you.
I blamed you. Blamed you for everything that was wrong with me, my family, my relationship and my life. I blamed you for the direction I was headed, for the opportunities I’d missed and for the ones I never took. Who do I blame now?
No one told me it was going to be like this. “Leave” they said. “Run! You deserve better.” “It’s not safe. You need to get out.” And I listened. I did everything they said. I left. I got out. I got “safe”… now what?
I’m confused, I feel like I’m going crazy, I don’t trust my own thoughts or my own understanding of you and yes it sucks but I’m not coming back. Not to you. Not back to the toxicity. I can’t! It’ll never change if I do. I’ll never change.
What now…? Now I have to re-learn everything I’ve come to know. Learn about myself and who I am without you. What I want for my life, now that you’re not around. I have to listen to my inner self, be attentive to my needs and give myself room to grieve. Yes grieve. You were far from perfect but you are all I’ve known for a long time!
Everything’s different now. I finally have control over the direction of my life. I finally have the opportunity to take ownership of my decisions; because they’re just that now… mine. It’s scary, new and unfamiliar. The temptation to run back to you is almost unbearable but I need to do this. Not just for me, but for you also.
I need to learn how to be a better version of myself. Happier, more patient, loving, generous and kind. I need to learn how to take better care of myself. I want to be a better friend and earn back the friendships of those who’ve grown tired of the version of me that was drowning in you. I want to discover the kind of joy that’s uninterrupted by my circumstances and nurse my faith, that’s wilting after years of being drip fed poison, back to life.
I’m on a journey of discovering myself, my role in all this and the truth about you. There are many things that you’ve taught me along the way that I need to unlearn; starting with the fact that I’m NOT crazy, a liar or over exaggerating. My feelings ARE valid, I AM worth something and I DO have a say. I DO have a purpose on this earth, life DOES get better than this and you ARE, in fact, TOXIC.
Thanks for the ways in which you’ve made me stronger. Thank you for the lessons I’ve learned along the way and the insight I’ve gained. Thanks, but no thanks! Not now, not again, not ever.
Yours sincerely,
No longer a victim.
***To everyone who has ever experienced life in a toxic environment, living with toxic thoughts or even a toxic addiction. It’s not easy on the other side but it is worth it. Find a community of people/professionals who will come along side you and support you on your journey. Give yourself permission to grieve the life you’re leaving behind, even though it’s toxic, and room to learn who you are, who you want to be and what you want your life to look like. Please know that I am cheering you on from the other side of this screen.
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